Goodbye my friend

I have this friend Sara, she has the most amazing smile and incredible laugh. She's strong, stubborn and a fabulous wife and mother.

Well, you have to be pretty strong to fight cancer for 10 years.

I last saw Sara about 4 weeks ago, we usually see each other at school pick up and drop off but she hadn't been in the playground since the kids came back from their Christmas break and I knew she must be very Ill if she couldn't make it out to pick up her lovely Sons from nursery and school. So I checked with her Husband and made arrangements to pop round. I was shocked by the change in her appearance, but she was still very much herself to talk to.

We talked about the elephant in the room, the 'Big C' and we talked normal mum stuff. Most fundamentally for me, Sara opened up about her Faith and how She'd had Faith as long as she could remember.  I'm pretty sure she was saying 'it's OK, I know I'm dying to this life on earth but I'm going home to Jesus' and that she'd made her peace with it.

The cancer was in most of her organs, then in the last few months a large tumour had grown on her back. The next blow was, the cancer had spread to her brain.  A week of Radiotherapy was started to tackle the brain tumour and completed 3 weeks ago.

Less than a week later she died.

She was never my closest friend, I think it would be wrong to give you that impression but she was always 'for' me. Trusted me to childmind her youngest Son when that was my job and was a champion of my new  business when I started that. We shared little 'in' jokes, made each other laugh and stood side by side in the world of motherhood.

We hugged the day I left her house (we never usually hugged!) that last time I saw her, she held me tight for a good while. In hindsight this was goodbye.

My first church service since hearing Sara had passed away was very emotional. Singing the lyrics 'you alone are good' about God in one of our worship songs just didn't ring true. I was angry with Him. Then God gave me an image of blue sky, beautiful meadows and Sara running through them. Her amazing laugh ringing out. Ok, she's in heaven and I'm so glad she's out of pain but tell me again why she's not here with her Husband and two young boys?

I know I will find out in the fullness of time why God heals some and not others, right now it seems like a lottery that makes no sense but if Sara found the strength to still have faith with all that was thrown at her,  then who am I to question it?

Until we meet again my friend, I love you.

Esther xx

Make the right choices

I haven't updated this blog for so, so long but I will just say I've moved on (literally & metaphorically!) so much since my last post.

Anyway, that's not way I've finally put finger to ipad to type this. It came to me during worship today that being a Christian when you're surrounded by Christians is pretty easy. You can comfortably talk about Jesus, things going on at church, worship music and pray without fear of judgement.

Being with those who are not yet followers of Christ is where the challenge lies. They may cause you to doubt your faith, try to lead you to things that would not honour God and that's if you've been 'brave' enough to tell them you're a Christian.

I'm not saying you should only hang around with Christians, that would be pretty hard for me considering my Husband isn't a Christian! But rather learn to be true to yourself whoever you're with. Workplaces and social situations can be tricky but I don't think it's healthy to live in a Christian bubble, only reading Christian books & listening to worship music.

Go and live life to the full, grab it with both hands  but don't forget to pray for God's protection over you. He will always be with you no matter what company you're keeping.

Esther xx

Sleepless nights cured by blessings

The last couple of months have been busy to say the least.

I gave up my job as a childminder in October and can now concentrate on being a mum & I'm so blessed to have that privilege. I also have my new Stampin' Up! Adventure which has been a dream I had previously been to scared to fulfil. Crafting is my passion & I now get to share that passion with other people & pass on my crafting knowledge, I love it!

My Dad was taken into hospital with yet another angina attack which resulted in a triple bypass after a couple of weeks in hospital. His surgeon said he was lucky to be alive as the blockage in his heart was so large that he could have died at any time. I don't put this down to luck.

After around 2 1/2 months of trying we finally sold out house. It was high risk accepting the offer as our vendor wasn't playing ball & didn't want to accept our offer. We ended up having to offer a little more than we wanted to secure the deal but we knew it was the house for us.

There were some other things going on that I won't bore anyone with but the combination of events in my life left me pretty frazzled & unable to sleep but I clung on tight to my faith & prayed more than I have ever done!  I will be totally honest & say there were moments when I thought God wasn't listening but then I am an extremely impatient person so I guess that was my lesson.

Last night I had the best night sleep, ever! I'm over whelmed by all the ways big & small my family has been blessed lately & I feel grateful, thankful & happy. I know there will be many more trials in this life but I have learnt that God really will be with me.

Esther xx

Not quite there yet....

We put our house on the market in early September and have lost one house already & found another we love & we're blessed that, for now, the owners are holding out for us. I've lost count of how many viewings we've had & even after dropping the price 3 times we still haven't sold. We've had one, quite frankly, insulting offer which we politely declined.

I've also had a trying time with my job but I finish on 31st October and I can't wait. Keeping a house tidy enough for viewings is a full time job in itself especially when said house has 3 boys in it aged from 6 to 43.

The 3rd stress has been my Dad. He was rushed to hospital in the early hours of Wednesday morning with yet another angina attack. The operation that all the medical staff have been trying to avoid is now the only choice they have left. It's pretty risky as it involves getting to the back of the heart but they seem all set to perform a triple bypass on him which will most likely be next week.

These times call for me to be deeply rooted in Faith, the temptation is to blame God for these tough times but I'm determined to stand strong in my Faith and know that God will bring me out the other side and that I can fully trust in Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Esther xx

How do we define value?

I've just watched a programme called Antiques Road trip
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00xgqvf

It's the usual format with antiques experts getting pieces and selling them on for profit at auction. One
of this evenings lots was a Staffordshire piece depicting an elephant with a clock on its back. It had
quite a bit of damage and the shop owner said he had got it for nothing as it had been left, unloved 
at the back of a cupboard for many years. The shop owner put a value of £12 on it and placed it for 
sale. 
Along came the antiques expert and as he thought it was an unusual piece offered £8 as an 
experiment as much as anything else.
So fast forward to audition day. There was a really flurry of interest in the room but the real drama
happened via telephone bid & Internet bid. The price crept up & up and the £8 elephant sold for £2700
Unbelievable.

I believe, all too often, we try to put a value on people too. A movie star, pop singer or premiership 
footballer is treated better than that homeless person that gets walked past without a second glance.  If a famous 

person walked into a shop there would be a great deal of excitement and probably a lot of anticipation

for what the shop management could gain from this person. I suspect that if a homeless person walked 

Into the same shop the management would be more concerned with getting him or her out of the shop

ASAP.

God wouldn't shove anyone 'to the back of the cupboard'. He thinks each and everyone one of us is 
a treasure, the most valuable and precious thing in the whole world and worthy of his love without exception.
He doesn't care how much you earn, where you live or how influential your friends are.

He loves you, end of.

Esther xx

My disability

Sunday at church we were asked to think about what our disability might be. It could be physical, mental, financial or basically anything that might stop you living the way you'd like to.

I praise God for being physically healthy and for being blessed with a husband who is my soul mate and our 2 beautiful boys but I realised that I do have a disability. My disability is a complete lack of confidence. My self esteem is currently flat on her face not wanting to get up. Now I've never been overly confident in my ability, looks or body but these feeling have definitely peaked lately and I'm pretty sure that job hunting hasn't helped in the least. I've been left feeling like I'm basically of no use to society.

What has really struck me over the last few days is how much this stops me from doing things and how many offers I decline (mainly social) as I'll automatically think I'll fail, say something stupid, be rubbish, or have nothing to add. This doesn't make me a very good role model to my children and certainly isn't allowing me to fulfil God's great plans for me.


I'm going to try & take baby steps to rebuilding my self esteem, saying yes a few more times without going into a blind panic.I really don't want to spiral downwards any more but I know God has a very tight hold on me and He wont let me go.

Esther xx

Stumbling block

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. (Hebrews 10:35, 36 NIV)

I turned to my bible app this evening as I'm feeling down. Today we found out that we'd lost out on the house we really wanted to buy. I felt really upset but knew deep down God has it all in hand and that, for whatever reason, that house wasn't the one for us.

How interesting that the first verse I should read would speak of perseverance & the rewards that come with it.  If that's not a clear word from God telling me to 'hang on in there' I don't know what is! 

So the search continues......

Esther xx  

 

Sums it up

This verse keeps coming to me & reminding me that our rewards are in heaven. Collecting our treasures on earth is pretty pointless.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. (Matthew 6:19 NIV)

Esther xx

New beginnings

It has been a crazy long time since my last post & I keep putting it off as I don't have a clear subject to blog on but please stay with me! I think it's partly because my head is so full of stuff that I don't know where to start.

It's been an eventful summer with the highlight most definitely being our holiday to Florida. Family time in such an amazing location is just priceless. It was a jam packed 2 weeks of Disney, Universal studios, LOTS of food, beautiful sunshine, lots of laughter, swimming, shopping & quality time.

The time away gave us new perspective on life and we made some decisions to improve the quality of our life but we will need to make some sacrifices first.
Let me explain. We have decided to sell our house (that we love) to move to a different part of town which will almost wipe our mortgage enabling me to give up work as I'm getting down doing what I'm doing & take a load of pressure off my Husband who's business has been struggling for a while now.

I honestly don't think I would have thought to do this before I was saved & I can see clearly that it's Jesus working to give me the life he wants for me. The old me would've hung onto all those materialistic things regardless of whether it made me or my family happy. Letting go of those things is the most humbling spiritual feeling ever.

We've found a house we would love to buy but haven't had our offer accepted as we haven't sold. God is teaching me patience that's for sure & that I need to just hand it all over to Him.

So, I hope that made at least some sense. Will try to put together a more coherent post very soon!

Esther xx

I want it now society.

We live in such an incredibly fast world now. My children will never have to wait to save up money then wait until Saturday to go & buy the latest record (on vinyl) because they will just download it from the iTunes credit they already have from Christmas or birthdays etc. The gap from wanting it to owning it is virtually non existent. Where's the fun in that? Then we have the need for answers. Answers to almost anything you want to know are just a search engine away. No need for libraries or finding the peron you hope will know. Simply tap it into your computer, phone, or iPad & away you go. We don't even have to wait to fire up a computer anymore, listening to the whirs, clicks & singing of a dial-up connection. It got me thinking that this could be the root of why some people become disillusioned with God. When we go to God with a problem we are not going to get a list of possible answers to our prayer up. There's usually (although not always) a wait, sometimes years. But when the answer comes there will only be one & it will be the right one. Our options then only extend to whether we go with that answer or ignore it. Perhaps this is also why Christianity is on the up in less privilaged nations. They are not conditioned to having it all right now. Their lives are more focused on waiting as nothing comes to them easily. They don't even have the luxury of instant water out of a tap, even the bare necessities take patience to achieve. So it leads me to conclude that waiting leaves time for spiritual growth. When everything else is stripped back it leaves Him & all the 'stuff' represents The Enemy whispering in our ears telling us we won't be happy until we have a new car, bigger house, lose those extra pounds, go on that big holiday or whatever it may be. Let's be still, let's wait & try & ignore the urge to rush out & buy the next thing. Whilst we are still we may just hear God's voice telling us what we really need to hear. Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions." (Luke 12:15 NIV) Esther xx

The lost art of conversation

My Mum has often told me stories of what food shopping was like when she was a little girl. She said my Grandmother would give her a shopping list and the shopkeeper would get her items. This could obviously not take place in silence.

Clothes shops would have counters too & endless little wooden drawers crammed with items to sell but the assistant would know exactly which little drawer contained the item you asked for. Again,  lots of chatting would take place and you would need to engage with the assistant to get your items. Then would come payment, in cash no doubt and despite it not being worked out by the till the correct change would be given.

I know we're all in a hurry and believe you me I want to get out of Tesco (other supermarkets are available) as fast as humanly possible but at what price?  It's all super fast, pre-packaged & sterile. There are lots of supermarket checkout staff who like a bit of a chin wag and I'll gladly oblige, especially as I don't always see that many 'grown ups' on a day to day basis.

Now we also have self service check outs where you don't have to speak to a soul. I was self serving it the other day to buy a bottle of wine which needed to be authorised and the assistant came over and without so much as a side ways glance pressed the 'customer looks over 25' button.  Rude.  The quick assumption about my age I mean, not the silence.

My mission is to try to get everybody to say at least a couple of words during an everyday transaction, we don't need life stories but let's just re-connect with people.

Esther xx

Life after REAL

I can't believe it's already a week since the excitement of REAL but we should really see it as the beginning and not the end. First of all we can now listen to the podcasts giving us an opportunity to soak it all up again & maybe hear something we didnt quite take in the first time. We also now have an opportunity to put some positive things into action.

I really just wanted to quickly share what I got from REAL but I will no doubt add to the list once I've listened to the podcasts. So here goes....

Make more time to sit quietly & listen to God
Make important career changes (biggy)
Whilst making decisions of what to do think about what 'really fires me up'
Spend time with my kids on their level & not missing crucial opportunities to hear about their day.
Think about my close friendships & be brave enough to have some important conversations with those friends that continually fall short of what a friend should be.
It's ok to take time for me.

I'd love to know what everyone else got from REAl too.

Esther xx

End of term madness

At the REAL conference Shauna Niequest spoke about the crazy end of school year stuff that goes on. I want to just say that I feel her pain!

My inbox is full of emails to action, I have forms to fill in and consequently children's money boxes to raid in order to have the correct change (yes I do replace it!) for various activities & day trips. Fete duty rotas, bringing weekly donations for the fete & praying you've read the date right for non uniform days. Yes I have got it wrong before and it was not a pretty sight.

In addition to which I have a Son that's leaving primary school this year so we have the year 5/6 production, leavers assembley, year end assembley when year 6 get presented with a bible, leavers BBQ, induction day at new school & disco at new school.

I know that when the kids are grown up that I'll look back fondly at this time but for now I don't mind admitting that I'm a worn out Mummy that's finding it tricky to squeeze in her day job!

I do have to remember I'm not on my own, Jesus has told us to go to him at times just like this. I'm just not very good at it...yet.

Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." (Mark 6:31 NIV)

Esther xx

Keeping it REAL

I haven't blogged much lately & if I'm honest I'm having one of those weeks where things get you down and that's not really what people want to read.

Luckily I have a very supportive Husand and family but what I'm also finding great, everyday of my life through the good and bad, is my church family.
In a church family you can be yourself completely. If you're a mum you won't find the usual tiring pretence that we've all got perfect children & husbands. We tell it how it is which is much more helpful & won't leave you feeling like a failure. Having someone to laugh & cry with without being judged is very special indeed & my friends are very important to me.

I'm so looking forward to our REAL women's conference this weekend and just know it's going to be just the kick up the backside I need right now. Spending time with friends & listening to wonderful, inspiring preaches & seeing what God has in store for us all.

I'll be praying for us all to meet with God in a powerful way this weekend.

Esther xx

Lets look at the bigger picture

So how many people have mentioned the weather to you today? Yes it is cold, yes it has been raining for days and no we really shouldn't have to have our heating on in June. It was definitely boiling hot on 12 June 2001 when I was walking around with swollen ankles, 6 days away from giving birth. Don't worry I'll leave it there....


But come on guys....let's just get over it! We're all perfectly safe, God promised us that right? Even my 5 year old knows that. There are people who have been affected badly by having their homes flooded and for fellow fans of springwatch on bbc the affect on wildlife has been devestating. We have to remember that there are people suffering with terrible illness, debt,bereavement etc and I just feel a little perspective is called for. I for one am pleased that I haven't spent money on getting my air con fixed in my car!

The sun WILL shine again but in the meantime I'm putting on my lovely purple wellies & zipping up my raincoat. Might even get myself a new brolly!

Who's going to join me splashing in puddles? Obviously it wouldn't do any harm to pray for a little sunshine while we splash:)

Esther xx

Such a fab week!

Haven't the jubilee celebrations been great fun? I love seeing Britain celebrating together amidst the doom & gloom of our current economic climate to prove that we are still GREAT Britain.

We had one of those whirlwind weekends with lots of visits to great friends and I had the rest of the week off too. This is so special as my own children get to have me to themselves with no little people for me to look after. I'm very blessed to work for a couple that understand that my own children need me too.

Wednesday my boys went to BUILD at our wonderful church. The team just give them the best time ever and they were just buzzing when I picked them up. They made some fab prayer boxes & I might make one for myself! On Thursday & Friday they spent a few ours with both sets of Grandparents and that doesn't happen too often. I'm usually have them home with me for all the holidays & rarely get time to myself.

My boys & I had very lazy starts to the morning & besides doing lots of domestic duties & errands I was feeling like I hadn't achieved much during the week.

Then I read this on twitter:
Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." (Mark 6:31 NIV)

Not only once but twice in one day! It makes perfect sense, we do need to be by ourselves in a quiet place from time to time and we most certainly do need rest. As Christians we need time to pray, sit quietly and be with God and as people we need to re-charge our batteries.

Don't pretend that you can keep going without stopping, you'll have much more to offer everyone by taking time out now and again.

Esther xx

No more coincidences

 I just wanted to share this.

I was making a card this afternoon and went into the tin that I store some of my supplies in and found a card with a verse on that was handed out during our church's verse for life series. I have no idea how it got in there, it was quite far from where I keep the others.

If you can't see what it says from the photo it's:

Praise be to the God and Father

of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion

and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those is any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves

receive from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Reading it I was particularly drawn to the 'comforts us in ALL our troubles' that's key and I also got a strong sense that someone may need me this week from the 'so that we can comfort those in ANY trouble'

There comes a point where you hold your hands up and say 'this is no coincidence, God is speaking to me' and I absolutely love those moments, it strengthens my faith & let's me know God loves me.

Esther xx

The power of The Holy Spirit

Mothers will always have a hard time letting their children go out into the world. We know that we must give them independence & the opportunity to experience new things.

I've always struggled & been a nervous wreck when it comes to my children to the point of not being able to sleep sometimes. They're not even teenagers yet so I know I have lot worse to come!

As this has been a big deal to me I've prayed and been prayed for to help ease my mind.

My son went away with school last week and it certainly was an action packed week, including coach travel, water crossing, abseiling, canoeing, quad biking & much more! This would usually have kept me awake for the entire week but this wasn't the case. I missed him very, very much but I felt calm. I felt mainly that The Holy Spirit was with me and with my Son and I can't discribe how amazing it felt.

Esther xx

Baptisms

Yesterday was Baptism day in church. Nothing beats this for making you go through every emotion possible as you witness this amazing event.Having been recently baptised (January 2012) I know that however much emotional pain that person is in whilst giving their testimony that they are moments away from being re-born.

Nothing prepares you for the total elation of having your slate wiped clean, burying your old life and starting a new one. Forgiven.

Yesterday certainly did not disappoint and it was great to see the great big smiles on the faces of my 2 friends that were among the baptisms yesterday. I told them they would feel amazing afterwards but amidst the nerves of the preparation they didn't believe me.

I couldn't help but let a little 'I told you so' slip out of my mouth :)

Esther xx

What defines you?

I was sitting next to a friend at church this morning & we were joined by lady neither of us had met before. My friend asked what the other lady did for a living & then she asked my friend the same question.

This is the thing that touched my heart. The first thing on her list was being a Grandmother to wonderful children, a wife & mother. Dispite there being many other things on the list of things she 'does' being a Grandmother, Mother & Wife were the most important thing, and quite rightly so. I wonder how many high flying business men and women would list being a father or mother as 'what they do' if they were asked.

Being a parent is the most important job in the world & something that links you to another person forever. Even if parents divorce they will still have a bond for life in their children.

The same goes for God. No matter what happens we are still his children for life, it's a bond that cannot be broken.

Esther xx